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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23930515">Selfish Hugs</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/scooter3scooter/pseuds/scooter3scooter'>scooter3scooter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Onward (2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Brother Feels, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Bonding, Brotherly Love, Brothers, Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Ian Lightfoot deserves a hug, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Selfish, Some Fluff, barley is a good brother, precious Ian Lightfoot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:00:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,357</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23930515</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/scooter3scooter/pseuds/scooter3scooter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Why I decided today was the day to listen to dad's tape again, I do not even know. </p><p>Well technically I have not listened to it yet, not today at least, I just hold it in my hands. As if the smooth exterior would feel any different than any other time I’ve held it, hoping the words would change. That I could hear more of his laugh, hear more of his personality. Hoping that I could hear the way he says my name, hear if there is a fondness when he says it. Hear if he calls me Ian like in the letter, or if he would call me Iandore.</p><p>That’s stupid though, isn’t it? I mean, is it not wrong for me to wish I had more from someone I had never even met? Is it wrong to wish for more when I already have Barley here? </p><p>I slid the tape into the player and pressed the door closed, though my finger lingered over the start button, I did not press down.</p><p>This is wrong, it’s selfish. It’s ungrateful, I have someone here for me, someone who loves me and believes in me and yeah Barley is not my dad but he doesn’t need to be. He never needed to step in like he did but that’s the point, he did and here I am mourning someone I never even knew. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Barley Lightfoot &amp; Ian Lightfoot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Selfish Hugs</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Why I decided today was the day to listen to dad's tape again, I do not even know.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Well technically I have not listened to it <em> yet </em>, not today at least, I just hold it in my hands. As if the smooth exterior would feel any different than any other time I’ve held it, hoping the words would change. That I could hear more of his laugh, hear more of his personality. Hoping that I could hear the way he says my name, hear if there is a fondness when he says it. Hear if he calls me Ian like in the letter, or if he would call me Iandore.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> That’s stupid though, isn’t it? I mean, is it not wrong for me to wish I had more from someone I had never even met? Is it wrong to wish for more when I already have Barley here?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>I slid the tape into the player and pressed the door closed, though my finger lingered over the start button, I did not press down.</p><p> </p><p><em> This is wrong, it’s selfish. It’s ungrateful, I have someone here for me, someone who loves me and believes in me and yeah Barley is not my dad but he doesn’t need to be. He never needed to step in like he did but that’s the point, he </em> did <em> and here I am mourning someone I never even knew.  </em></p><p> </p><p>But I had the chance to know him. I had the chance to meet him, hear him laugh, see how his mouth forms my name and see his smile. I had the chance and I gave it away! <em> For Barley.  </em></p><p> </p><p>I brought my finger away from the play button, but did not eject the tape. <em> Not yet. </em>It’s not like I’ve touched it since my birthday… </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> What’s the point of even listening to it when I know the words of the tape better than even the letters in my own name?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>First you hear mom in the background <em> “Wil,” </em> she calls out fondly, <em> “you’re never going to get that thing working.” </em></p><p> </p><p>Then dad, as confident as I’ve heard he was, <em> “I think I’ve got it.”  </em></p><p> </p><p>Then mom again in the background, more faint as she walks away, <em> “I’m going to watch from over here from when it explodes…” </em>I could never make out the last part of what she said. </p><p> </p><p>But that’s not the point, the point is dad. <em> “Hello?” </em> He asks a bit louder, <em> “Hello?” </em> He must have heard someone on the other side, as much as I have always wished that were me it never will he, <em> “oh is that right?” </em> A small pause before he laughs out, <em> “well I’m trying to.”  </em></p><p> </p><p>You can hear mom talking in the background again, but I can not quite make out what she was saying as dad is laughing over her voice, <em> “I know,” </em> he laughs out. <em> “Well let’s find out.” </em> A small pause before it ends, <em> “okay. Bye.” </em>And with a click, he’s gone. He’s always gone. Just twenty nine seconds and he’s gone. Not even half a minute.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I could have had more than twenty nine seconds, I could have spent a whole day with him if I could have just gotten the spell right. Or if I had listened to Barley and let him handle the dragon, then I could have had an entire conversation with him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The tears were falling from my eyes before I even noticed they were coming. </p><p> </p><p>But that’s selfish, I could never regret giving Barley his closure, his goodbye. I could never wish to take that away from him, he needed it more than I did. It’s stupid to wish for a different outcome… </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I don’t, I can’t wish that I had talked with dad instead of Barley, I just, I wish we both got the chance. Is it wrong to wish I could meet my own dad? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>It is, I know it is. I have mom and Barley and that’s all I need.</p><p> </p><p>I did not bother wiping the tears from my cheeks, it’s not like anyone is coming. Mom is working still and Barley is playing his game or whatever.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> How selfish could I be to cry over something I don’t even really wish I could have changed?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Reaching forward, I ejected the tape and pulled it out. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Barley is here for me, he loves me, he protects me, and here I am crying over nothing. How ungrateful could I be? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Placing the tape on my desk I slumped forward, bracing myself on the table as the tears kept coming. </p><p> </p><p>Before I realized what was happening, my bedroom door opened, “hey Ian,” he called out in his booming medieval voice, “wanna pla-” he immediately cut himself off, noticing my state. I fiercely wiped the tears from my face, choking back the upcoming sob as he ran over to me, kneeling down next to my desk, hand on my shoulder, “Ian, what’s wrong?”</p><p> </p><p>Of course my voice chose to crack right then, “I’m fine.”</p><p> </p><p>Before I could continue my obvious lies, as if Barley doesn’t always see through the lies, “why are you crying?”</p><p> </p><p>Letting out a shaky breath, “Barley, please just- please leave me alone,” I begged. <em> How selfish could I be, sitting here crying in front of my own brother? I’m pathetic. </em></p><p> </p><p>His hand moved from my shoulder to my back, reassuringly rubbing it, “I’m here for you.”</p><p> </p><p><em> He- he’s here and I- I’m crying over nothing while he’s </em> here <em> !  </em></p><p> </p><p>That is what broke me, a sob wracked my body, my hands flying up to hide my face and stifle my cries. </p><p> </p><p>Though he seemed startled at my sudden sob, he did not hesitate to reach forward and pull me towards him, into a hug. As much as I wanted to push him away, insist he should not comfort me because I’m selfish and do not deserve his care, I knew he would not let me go. Even if I was strong enough to push him away, he would never let me go when I’m like this, so pathetic and broken. </p><p> </p><p>He picked me up with ease, as if I weigh nothing, bringing me over to my bed so we can both be more comfortable. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> God I haven’t cried in front of Barley in.. in, how long has it been since I have cried in front of him? </em>
</p><p> </p><p> How strong arms around me, holding me through every stupid sob. <em> I don’t deserve it. </em></p><p> </p><p>I tried to get my words out between hiccuping cries, “I-I’m, Bar I’m-”</p><p> </p><p>“Woah, woah, it’s okay,” he tried to quiet me down, “it’s okay.”</p><p> </p><p><em> He needs to understand. </em>“Sorry,” I gasped out. Given the look on his face he clearly does not understand.</p><p> </p><p>He looked at me too full of love, “you have nothing to be sorry for.”</p><p> </p><p>Tears still dripping down my face, I shifted to face him better, “you don’t understand- you don’t get it,” I didn’t let him quiet me down this time, “I shouldn’t be crying!” I insisted, “it’s- I’m selfish.”</p><p> </p><p>“Iandor,” he told me completely seriously, “you are not selfish.”</p><p> </p><p>I shook my head, “no, no I am selfish,” I insisted, “I’m- I’m sitting here crying over dad when I have you! You’re here and like, it’s not like I regret letting you say goodbye, cuz I don’t regret it!” It should not be this hard to talk while crying.</p><p> </p><p>Surprisingly he let me continue on without speaking up, his eyes softening. “I just, I shouldn’t be crying, I’m being so so ungrateful to you!”</p><p> </p><p>His voice was so soft when he finally spoke up, “it’s okay to mourn what you wish you had. Missing someone doesn’t mean you love those who are still here any less.” </p><p> </p><p>That is what got me to finally let out another sob, but he did not let me go, even after knowing how selfish I am. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m still here for you,” he reassured me, keeping me in the hug. He did not let me go until long after I stopped crying and had thoroughly calmed down.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> As much as I probably do not deserve it, I relished in his comfort.  </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Huzzah I have made a second Onward one shot. It’s so easy to vent into Ian it’s nice to write,<br/>Thank you for reading :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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